There is something about a loss of words that highlights their power. That in being tongue-tied, we can find ourselves just outside of meaningful connections with others, or misaligned with our needs and dreams, or in subtle suppression of our true feelings. For many of us, it can be really tricky to identify and articulate our feelings and needs – especially when these have previously been neglected or we have experienced abuse and trauma. This can be a major barrier to forming and maintaining authentic, healthy connections.
As interpersonal beings, how we communicate is fundamental to establishing healthy relationships with one another. Primarily, our methods of communication are influenced by things outside of our control; the culture we are raised in and the media we consume, for example. There are many good things to come from this; the richness in where we place emphasis on certain words, the variation in our sense of humour, the rhythms formed as words leave our lips.
However, it’s worth considering how language can be inherently harmful in a society that is both overtly and covertly violent. In advocating for our needs and feelings, the language most commonly taught and used in the Global North is often likely to provoke defensiveness and counterattack in others.
I took myself to a Non-Violent Communication (NVC) workshop recently, hoping to better understand my needs and feelings, and to improve my relationships with others. I’d like to share my key takeaways from this session. To avoid using examples that could be linked to difficult or traumatic experiences, I’ll use a delightful extended metaphor of visiting the Fish & Chips shop. My intention is that, from this, you can gain clearer access to your needs and feelings, and hopefully absorb some of this method for yourself.
Lou asked Dylan to doodle a fun and creative interpretation of the Fish & Chips shop and this is the result!
The language of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is anchored in two principles: Self-empathy, to earnestly accept our needs and feelings without judgement or critique, and Empathy, to listen to others from a heart-centred point of reference. Both of these are expressed through four components: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Let’s work through each one with an example. For your reference, have a look at this comprehensive list of feelings and needs here.
The four components of Non-Violent Communication
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
You enter the Chip Shop at 5:45pm. It’s pretty busy and you’ve had a really long day. Standing in the queue amongst the many chatty customers, you glance up at the menu and find yourself quite overwhelmed. You begin to drift into a tired daze and, before you know it, you’re greeted by the server.
Server: Hey, what can I get you?
You stare blankly at the board, still unsure of your decision.
Server: Well… hurry up then…
You: I’m really unhappy about the way you’re speaking to me.
Server: Well I don’t have time to wait around for you to make a choice, I’ll just serve the person behind you then.
Oof. And all you wanted was something warm and comforting after a hard day at work. Let’s break this down further.
1. Observations
To view interactions as if through the lens of a video camera.
Observation in this sense isn't about what you think is happening; it's a chance to describe what you see and hear as is. When making observations in NVC, we focus on specifics and facts only, aiming to remain neutral. NVC places emphasis on releasing judgement, interpretations, and assumptions of the situation and the other. When maintaining neutrality as an approach to communication, others are more likely to understand us, and are less likely to feel the need to get defensive or to counter attack. Let’s return to our example.
“I’m really unhappy about the way you spoke to me.”
When we direct our feelings about something onto another, identifying them by name, pronoun, or using “You”, we blame our feelings on another person's actions, leaving our power with them. Now, I know this seems to make no sense at all. If they hadn’t done or said whatever they did, you wouldn’t have those feelings. However, NVC operates from the basis that no one person can make us feel, rather, our feelings are the result of our met or unmet needs. This way, we can make our observations from a place of neutrality.
As we all have different internal experiences, our needs, and thus our feelings, in any given situation differ from one person to another. By removing blame and transforming judgement, interpretation, and opinion into neutral observational statements, we can move out of right or wrong thinking; empowering us to be accountable for our actions and others to be accountable for theirs.
Here are some non-violent sentence starters for sharing an observation:
I can see that…
I noticed that…
What I’m hearing from you is…
2. Feelings
Our emotions – plain, simple, universal.
In an ideal world, we would have a clear understanding of what our needs are but, for many reasons, some of us struggle to approach identifying and communicating our needs. Traumatic events in particular can make it immensely difficult to identify and communicate our needs. Women, for example, have been socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own (Davidson et al., 2008). This can be intensified when approached from a cultural perspective, as we may suppress our feelings to secure our place within social groups (Boroş et al., 2019). This struggle, coined as Alexithymia, can cause us to turn to avoidance or numbness to bypass unpleasant feelings (Nemiah, 1996).
NVC invites us to reframe how we express our feelings, solely focusing on our internal experiences. For example, “I feel unhappy” is an expression of a universal internal experience – we all know unhappiness. Whereas “I feel like your choice of words was rude, now I’m unhappy” is an interpretation of how someone else intended to use their words. It places blame and judgement on the other person, and is very likely to conjure defensiveness in the other person. When expressing our feelings, we must only name the emotion – fear, joy, sadness, anger, etc. By doing this, we tap into the humanity of the other, permitting them to hear what's important to us, and increasing the likelihood of them responding in a way that acknowledges our hurt feelings.
Let’s bring in our example again here.
“I’m really unhappy about the way you spoke to me.”
May become: “I’m noticing that I feel upset because…”
A: Observation = I’m noticing that
B: Feeling = I feel sad because
For those of us who struggle to articulate our feelings, you may ask yourself “What’s alive in me?”. Be gentle with yourself if this is hard for you, it does take practice.
3. Needs
Our core values, our deepest human longings.
At the root of our feelings are our needs. Some of our needs are tied to our basic human survival – water, nourishment, shelter, connection, and safety, for example. Others may be more nuanced and therefore harder to understand and access; like our needs for peace, adventure, and meaning. When we’re able to connect with and honour our needs, we improve our relationship to ourselves – building self-trust and self-worth – in addition to improving our relationships with others.
Similarly to the identification and expression of our feelings, in NVC our needs should be anchored in our universal human experience; excluding any situational context or strategy we think will get our needs met. “Whenever we include a person, a location, an action, a time, or an object in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy, preferences or requests rather than a need” (Kashtan and Kashtan, 2024). For example, we could say: “You’re rushing me, and it’s really hard to make a decision when it’s so loud in here”. Here the preference for more time, space, and a quiet environment is alluded to, but isn’t clearly stated.
In this case, the need we're trying to express is autonomy – to have more space to make a choice, rather than having the choice directed by the needs of the server, or the urgency of the environment. Indecision may highlight the server's unmet need for respect, progress, or understanding. Looking at our needs in such a way also allows us to see the needs of others, perhaps encouraging a greater sense of compassion for the other. Let’s revisit our tester statement, now including the need for autonomy.
“I’m noticing that I feel upset because I need more time to make a decision”
A: Observation = I’m noticing that...
B: Feeling = I feel sad because...
C: Need = I need more time to make a decision
If you find yourself struggling to identify your needs, you can see a list of our universal needs on NVC’s Needs List.
4. Requests
Specific actions you would like to see happen.
When feelings and needs are clearly considered and outlined, we can then make specific requests for connection or solution, rather than demands. The difference between a demand or request lies within the response “No”. NVC emboldens us to honour “No” as information, indicating where the other person's needs may prevent them from saying yes. When someone demands something from you and you respond “no”, you’re likely to be met with a rebuttal. Whereas a request can meet your no with acceptance or seek options for a middle ground. “If someone agrees to our request out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, or the desire for reward, this compromises the quality of connection and trust within the relationship” (Kashtan and Kashtan, 2024).
Making clear requests is often the most challenging part of NVC. When taught to ask for what we need, many of us base our questions on what we want people to stop doing, or how we want them to be. In NVC, we’re encouraged to ask for what we want, using positive, specific, and measurable terms. Learning to make considerate requests requires presence, patience, and creativity – this can be really tough, especially when we're in a heightened emotional state. There is no harm in taking some time to centre ourselves before making a request. Your needs and feelings are worthy of being heard after all.
Here are some request headers to help you out:
I would like...
I find it important that…
How would it be for you to…
Would you be willing to try out…
I would prefer to do X because I have a need for Z…
With the information we have now, let’s round off our chips shop example.
“I’m noticing that I feel upset because I need more time to make a decision. Can you serve the next two customers while I look at the menu again?”
A: Observation = I’m noticing that...
B: Feeling = I feel sad because...
C: Need = I need more time to make a decision
D: Request = Can you serve the next two customers while I look at the menu again?
For more examples on making requests, have a look at NVC’s Making Clear Requests.
You take a well-paced walk home, eager to munch on the large portion of chips you ordered. You’ve never really been fussed with anything other than chips from the Chip Shop anyway.
Main Takeaways
Non-Violent Communication is a formula for specific, empowered, and empathetic communication of our needs and feelings. When you do A (observation), I feel B (feeling) because I want/need C (need). I would appreciate it, if you would be willing to do D (request). With practice, we can adopt NVC as a way of being. Remember:
Empathy for self and others is key.
It is empowering to take responsibility for your feelings.
NVC can open paths for two-way accountability.
Compassionate communicating elicits compassionate response (most of the time).
All human beings have the same core needs, the difference is in the strategies learned to meet those needs. This is often dictated by culture and societal influence.
NVC promotes power and agency with people
There is a shift that occurs when we take time to reflect on the language we use to address our needs and feelings. A squirming discomfort in recalling where we may have erased the needs of others as we frantically tried to address our own (or vice versa), or in how common it is to feel harmed by someone's opinion of your actions when all they really wanted to say was “I feel scared”.
There is also a shift in how we’re collectively beginning to see ourselves and the world around us. We continuously navigate difference and opposition, doing our best to ensure our needs for peace, autonomy, and wellbeing can be met, trying to decipher what we can do to support ourselves within faltering systems, and looking to others for connection in hard times. As systems reshuffle and shed to take on new forms, tools like NVC may support us in really seeing each other in our humanity, guiding us towards modes of communication that grant us liberated relationships, and the ability to resolve conflict in an empathetic and restorative way.
I’m beginning to feel frustrated and afraid because I need peace and interdependence. Can we share the tools we’re using for effective communication with our loved ones, colleagues, and friends? I’m longing for a world where addressing our basic needs could be as simple as ordering a cone of chips.
— Lou Robbin
References
Boroş, S., Boroş, S., Gorp, L. van and Boiger, M. (2019). When Holding in Prevents From Reaching Out: Emotion Suppression and Social Support-Seeking in Multicultural Groups. Frontiers in Psychology, [online] 10. doi:https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02431.
Cup of Empathy (2019). NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION ~ TOP 7 KEY SENTENCES. [online] YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MExSN1GcHQ [Accessed 7 Aug. 2024].
Davidson, P., DiGiacomo, M., Zecchin, R., Clarke, M., Paul, G., Lamb, K., Hancock, K., Chang, E. and Daly, J. (2008). A Cardiac Rehabilitation Program to Improve Psychosocial Outcomes of Women with Heart Disease. Journal of Women’s Health, 17(1), pp.123–134. doi:https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2007.0386.
Happiness.com (2017). WHAT IS: Non Violent Communication. YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L3rBTChHs8.
Hogeveen, J. and Grafman, J. (2021). Alexithymia. Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 183, pp.47–62. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-822290-4.00004-9.
Kashtan, I. and Kashtan, M. (2024). Basics of Nonviolent Communication – BayNVC. [online] BayNVC. Available at: https://baynvc.org/basics-of-nonviolent-communication/ [Accessed 10 Apr. 2024].
Nemiah, J.C. (1996). Alexithymia. Psychosomatic Medicine, 58(3), pp.217–218. doi:https://doi.org/10.1097/00006842-199605000-00004.
School, S. (2022). The Non-Violent Communication Model. [online] www.youtube.com. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INdKgBPEI-8.
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